Here’s something even more personal, brought to you by no one else but me.
I’ve reached rock bottom several times in my life before and it is most definitely the toughest place I’ve ever been.
Sometimes even if you surround yourself with plenty of people, when you hit rock bottom, you’re there all alone. With no one else to guide you but yourself and probably a little hint of faith.
For people who know me I am a particularly happy person. Pretty much optimistic at any cost. When I lost my mom to cancer several years back, there was nothing I could do. It was something out of hand. Something I never expected to occur on a Christmas morning. She wasn’t the type who’d smoke on a rainy day while she ate ice cream. She disliked having pork as a regular meal, she loved cooking pinakbet a mixed vegetable steamed in fish sauce. Her version only included veggies and fish or shrimp paste. She ate healthier than anyone I know. She wasn’t an alcoholic and worked even after her chemo. But death is an inevitable force. There was nothing I could do when that happened.
It’s very easy to say “move on with your life” but its really not that easy to do. Most of my mom’s life was dedicated to us and her work. She didn’t stay long at home because she’d rather do the laundry in the office than waste the electricity at home or let us do our own laundry. The best I could do was cook her a good meal and there were times that I failed even at that. It was so much easier to pretend that she was just in the office rather than remember her dying.
But acceptance must happen and that’s, well that’s still happening. I try my best every time not to feel like I’ve lost everything again. It’s really not a good place to be in. And so every day I thrive to live my life the best way that I can. I’m done wasting my life in misery. I’m done chasing dreams of others. I’m done wondering what if I ended up with the first guy I ever thought would make me feel happy. I’m done making excuses, excuses that would make me leave my job. I’m done spending my money on nonsensical things. I’ve realised that time is essential. My time can no longer be spent on moments that would ruin my life. Decisions can be carefully thought of. And this happy face I’ve built on my face my whole life? Its no longer fake. I smile all the time because I know that even after everything I’ve been through, there’s always something good that can happen. I just have to have a little faith and work on it. As hard as I can. People can come and go, loved ones may come as easily as they go, bridges will burn as easy as they can be built. But people don’t just burn bridges that easy.
Thank you for reading this little piece about myself. I’ve been through a lot and I’m sure you have, too. Just don’t worry too much. Well, worry and then think about what else you could do better. I’m sure there’s this force somewhere that’ll help you figure things out. It always does.