A little nugget for the aching heart.
This is an awkwardly long story. Please tread on lightly.
I put on my mask for today. Today was a day for family gatherings. Strange faces that have grown in years, people whom I’ve never met but for some reason their names seem familiar when I ask them. “Hi, I’m Yvette. Your cousin from your mother’s side. Actually, cousin thrice removed.” I had no idea what that meant but I was glad to shake her hand anyway.
I wore black, which was an occasional outfit for me since I lost my mother a decade ago. Bless her soul, and God bless the guy who likes to print t-shirts downtown for always supplying me with the best black shirt with screened photos. But today I wore a black dress. An LBD, as called by my female friends. I lacked the pearls and the coiffed hair on top and the skinny figure to look like Audrey Hepburn, which I think was what a few visiting women were aiming for. I don’t think they’d expect me to talk with all those pearls anyway.
An old woman grabbed hold of my hand as I walked away from the entrance. It was already my sister’s turn to speak to a group of people. Our aunt had carried a tray of biscuits and cookies and junk food donated by us and my aunt’s children to which a heap of people gathered around her to satisfy their appetite that afternoon.
I decided to sit next to an old colleague of interest. ‘Of interest’ because I only knew them from a seminar at work. I felt lost in the mix of words and arguments here and there. A few years ago I felt embarrassed that I didn’t know too well how to express my own when conversing with them. So, I sat with them for half an hour or so and felt myself drowning in a sea of thoughts. They must have forgotten I was sitting next to one of them until one guy looked to me and told me “And you, how are you feeling?”
I looked back at the man and I realized no one had asked me this the whole time I was here. He sat behind me and this group. I couldn’t help but move a quarter of my body from where I sat so I could look at his face. He was there. No one had told me he was coming.
There were about three people who realized I had been quiet the whole time I sat next to them. But I gestured them to not mind me and I asked the man to follow me outside the funeral parlor. He nodded.
This sounds completely strange and out of what might happen in a more realistic setting. But he did sit behind me, actually behind my former colleagues of interest and was listening intently to their conversations. As we stepped out of the parlor he asked again how I was. A cold chill crept up my nape and I told him I was feeling alright.
“Since I’m at a funeral then you might understand that I was lying. I’m not okay.”
He just nodded and put his palms inside both pockets of his jeans.
I took out a packet of Marlboro lights and asked if he wanted some. He shrugged and looked a bit surprised that I smoked. I lit it up and took a long drag.
“It’s strange to see you here.” he said, under the same charming tone he uses on me over a decade ago.
I struggled to erase the hint of anger from my face. “I expected to see you everyday since.”
Ten years is a long time for waiting. I thought that if given the chance that we would meet, in the middle of the street or as poetic as meeting in the park or a dark alley as you kiss some whore after a night’s work. I thought of these chances that whole decade. In and out. But none of these ever happened, consciously.
Putting yourself in that distant dream for ten years is, the hardest, the saddest thing for me. I’ve walked in and out of that possibility. But there was not a single opportunity.
I’d like to show you something
That only words can express.
I still smell wine and beer.
Nothing else oh and gleeful cheer.
You captured me,
By your words
And evident fear.
Your name I hear
And the sound
A clear whisper
‘Jump’ you said
With confidence that I’d fear
The stillness of the sight
Nervousness in the wind
I look for you
But I can’t find you
Where were you
when I heard those words
You had me by those words
This will be nothing
It will pass, I said
For every uneven sorrow
Masked by shallow joy
I cannot enjoy the pleasure
Of you hanging on this hope
One day you will
Never have me
This cannot be a fantasy
But somehow it is.
I cannot let you
Satisfy each pleasure
That one day you think
You might have me.
Browsing through my old Tumblr posts, I found (and edited) this little piece I had about food.
I still can’t stop thinking about food.
GIRLSSSSS!!! Our favorite TV show is back on air starting January 19! But before we all get to see our favorite Girls Hannah, Jessa, Marnie and Shosh, here’s a quick recap of the season that started it all.
Lena Dunham as Hannah Horvath
Allison Williams as Marnie Michaels
Jemima Kirke as Jessa Johannsen
Zosia Mamet as Shoshanna Shapiro
Adam Driver as Adam Sackler
Alex Karpovsky as Ray Phloshansky
Christopher Abbott as Charlie Dattolo
Jessa’s back from a long European trip and the rest of the gang is getting ready to welcome her through dinner. The first scene takes us to that brief argument between Hannah and her parents about them cutting her off from their expenses and that she needs to find a real job. This reminds me of that same issue Winona Ryder’s Lelaina Pierce in Reality Bites. But here we find a different response as these women who seem to represent our generation’s version of Girls. As the show’s creator Lena Dunham says in her interview with Alec Baldwin through his podcast in Here’s The Thing: – WNYC the characters she created for the show are girls who are somewhat of an in-betweeners of that of Gossip Girl, and that of Sex and the City.
True enough, in this pilot episode we find a poster of Sex and the City hanging in Shoshanna’s room. She welcomes Jessa in a jumper and references the characters of SATC to Jessa’s pure bewilderment.
In this episode we find Marnie, awoken by a phone call from Hannah’s phone. She finds her boyfriend, Charlie in the kitchen who caresses her face as he hands over the coffee and she hands him a pretzel. She later tells Hannah that his touch feels like a weird uncle. She has this discontented air about their relationship that she can’t put a finger on and we feel that. She feels frustrated about it and so do I. I feel frustrated that she can’t put a finger on what she wants with Charlie.
The same frustration goes for Hannah as she thinks of ways in how to earn a living. For pete’s sake she’s been working as an intern for two years after graduating from University. But she gets kicked out for some reason by her boss, thinking that her request to be paid was that she actually wanted to quit. Also because she didn’t have any special talents unlike the other intern who got promoted because she was good at Photoshop.
She takes refuge in Adam, who in this episode doesn’t display that he’s a psycho yet, but prefers having scary sex with her by whispering something a little bit on the sinister side, letting her lie down on her tummy and grab hold to her legs. But he is charming in this episode, and we see why Hannah is into him in the next episodes.
That night Marnie hosts a welcome dinner for Jessa. Charlie attempts to have sex with her in the kitchen and then suddenly the doorbell rings and he tells her he invited over his cynical bestfriend Ray. Marnie exhibits her Type A personality all over this season (as we all know it) and this night she isn’t as excited as everyone to see Jessa and her calm and cool nature.
After a sudden cup of opium (thanks to Ray), Hannah heads over to her parents’ hotel room and lets them understand that she needs to be paid eleven hundred dollars a month since she cannot afford to live in New York City and pay rent without a job. The opium suddenly kicks in and she passes out while her parents are in a frenzy on what to do with their irresponsible child and the fact that she is high.
The episode ends as Hannah wakes up and finds eleven hundred dollars left by her parents for her, and money they left for housekeeping. But she takes all the cash and goes home.
This scene where she walks in New York city, unaware of what the next few days will go is the perfect pilot for the series. We will later find out that they all have this aspiration to find out who they all are, like most people in our generation these days, through crappy reality television shows or the way we choose who to give ourselves to. These may or may not be the exact representation of today’s twenty-somethings, but I can easily relate to their feeling of finding out what they are, through series of life’s harsh realities: successful or failed relationships, accomplished careers or no career at all even after college, all expressed in Dunham’s witty writing.
How ’bout you, what did you think of this episode?
I loved him playing Thor’s menacing brother, Loki. But in real life as he went to South Korea to promote his current film Thor: The Dark World, he admitted that his most famous asset would be his feet. Otherwise, he wouldn’t be able to dance.
Thus this video shows his, ahem, amazing feet.
‘Nuff said. Argh.
If there was one song that would perfectly describe how I feel at the moment, it would be Fiona Apple’s Valentine. The lines “I root for you, I love you.” are all I could scream at the top of my lungs.
What if I wrote something completely irrelevant, would you, delightful visitor, mistakenly think that this is something about me? I hope not. Thanks for visiting.